Laura Darbi

(Source: nicolenatalia, via selchanelxox)

415 notes

Is Anyone Listening?

I need a change. I can’t keep feeling like this. I am so down all the time. I have moved to smoking a lot more and eating a lot less. But I want it like that. I think I’m doing it so someone will notice! Someone will come to me and say, “I’m here for you, I’m listening.” But I don’t get that. Even from my “closest” friends. No one is listening, no one is here for me. I find myself thinking more about death. Or going back to hurting myself. I’m in such a destructive mode. Anything I can do to hurt myself so I can change my emotional pain to physical. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m not stable..not stable at all.

I recently lost my best friend. It was so sudden…I think that’s a big part of it. I can’t figure out what happened. It just ended. And now I don’t give a shit about anything. I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I should cry but I just don’t have it in me.

Do I care if it ends? Everything I mean. I don’t know. If it wasn’t for my family I don’t know if I would care. Sure there are things I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to end it all, I just want to be destructive. Smoke, drink, not eat, get pierced, get tatted up, sleep in all day and stay up all night. No structure, no society keeping me on lock down. Be who I am and who I want to be.

I’m in college now and I almost feel like I need to just get away. Take a year off, go travel, find out what it is I want. Who I want to be. I’m just not happy. It’s the same thing. There is only two more weeks…then I go to New York. I am not going to want to come back, to this point.

Depression runs in my family. Maybe I need to get that checked out. I keep everything bottled inside, but like I said before, I feel like my “best friends” aren’t listening. It’s obvious. What do I need to do? Instead of cutting my hip should I cut my wrists?? Then would they listen to me?? Would anyone listen to me?